


It’s Bloody And Raw (I’m Alive)

by 1Temmie_Official1



Series: Northern Downpour Sends Its Love [9]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Azula (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Azula (Avatar) is A Good Sibling, Azula (Avatar)-centric, Complicated Relationships, Gen, I think its very sexy of me to hint at enby azula, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai’s (Avatar) A+ Parenting, POV Azula (Avatar), Sibling Rivalry, Trans Zuko (Avatar), Well actually Azula has a complicated relationship with zuko but she’s trying a lot, she was an abused child and was doing her best to survive, unsafe binding, we are NOT treating Azula as “cr#zy”
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28586631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1Temmie_Official1/pseuds/1Temmie_Official1
Summary: Azula has always been lonely, but never has Azula been alone.
Relationships: Azula & Ozai (Avatar)
Series: Northern Downpour Sends Its Love [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1957609
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	It’s Bloody And Raw (I’m Alive)

It was surprisingly easy to get away.

Azula had known she was planning to get away for a while. Money and supplies stored away. A plan, formulated over hours and days and nights of planning when she was sure that Ozai would not find out. Ozai would never find out.

Ozai could never find out.

So she planned everything, back up plans memorized down to the smallest, most insignificant detail. Because Ozai was powerful, and he would stop her and it would be a world of agony for her if she failed. He loved her, but his love wouldn’t save her from the punishment for failure. Zuko proved that. She would prove that she was stronger than her stupid dead brother. Because she was. Ozai told her every day that she was better...

Except.

Except for how despite how Zuko had been an utter failure at firebending, even _he_ was able to get one kata right after hours of training and no rest. (Azula knew that Zuko didn’t have to deal with everything else. She was taking extra classes to get ahead. She was ahead of him. Of course, she was ahead of him, he died years ago, and even _then_ he was behind her. Azula was a prodigy, everyone knew it.) ‘You always had things come too easy to you’. Her father’s voice echoed in her ears. ‘Zuko always had to work for it, do it again.’

Zuko had always been treated like the better daughter. (Azula ignored how it had hurt not only herself to call Zuko her “sister” but how it had also hurt Zuko. She ignored how Ozai had only called Zuko his “son” when Azula had been exceptionally great. She ignored how no matter how hard she had tried, she couldn’t stop thinking of Zuko as her dead older _brother_. She ignored how Ozai called Zuko “daughter” more often than not. (She ignored how sometimes she didn’t want to be called “daughter”.))

But Azula had no time to dwell on such things.

She had already left Ozai's clutches, now for the difficult part.

Disappearing.

-

The first thing she did was disguise herself. The easiest way to do that was the opposite gender. If Zuko could pass as male, so could she. The bindings she made out of bandages made her chest flat like a tabletop, but it would have to do. She had stolen Earth Kingdom robes that resembled the male ones she had seen people wearing on the docks. (She ignored how the flatness of her chest felt _right_ in a way she had barely felt before. It shouldn't have been right. She wasn't a boy like Zuko was, she would have figured it out by now.)

"Lee." She tried out in the mirror. "'Name's Lee." She turned to the side, eyes fixed on the flatness of her chest. She looked male enough, she definitely didn't look like what father would expect her to. She could do it. She had taken some coin from Ozai, not enough that he would care about it. And since she gathered it slowly over time, she had a decent amount. It could get her as far as Ba Sing Se at this point, as long as she didn't take help from anyone too much. She had always done things on her own anyway, she would be fine.

She hadn't bent in a while. Too long. Her inner fire ached. Firebenders weren't like other benders, while other benders could simply stop bending whenever they so choose, firebenders weren't that lucky. The source of their bending was inside them, and that constituted a life sentence of meditating and practicing and mundane everyday bending.

The longest she had heard of a firebender not bending without becoming flame torn... Azula didn't think about it.

She took a breath. In, out. Calm her inner fire. She was ready. Putting the mirror in her bag, she set off towards the dock to where she would escape to the Earth Kingdom.

-

Azula didn't remember the ship ride. It was boring if Azula was being honest. Azula laid on the bed catatonic for what seemed like days. It might have been days. Somehow, the suppressing of her bending and the bindings that dug into her that should have grounded her instead let her float away. She felt an itching in her hands, and with a horrible jolt, she realized it was a small flame, barely enough for a candle. She snuffed it, pushing it down.

The boat let her off at a dock. She bought supplies, she traded her currency. It was strange. Azula had barely interacted with _people_ much less . She shed her disguise when she found a suitable area in the forest to rest.

But Azula wasn't prepared for what happened next. She could feel herself slip, she didn't feel connected to her body. She felt like dry wood.

She felt like she could burn.

-

She was mechanical, a flame-filled weapon. A bomb ready to explode. She would not stop, could not stop. She stayed in perfection, cover not to be blown. She had a routine, get up, practice katas, find breakfast, practice katas again, continue moving, set up camp, find dinner, sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. She was being followed, she was certain. Her father was going to find her, her dead brother was chasing her, Zhao was tracking her, it changed by the day. She saw them, they spoke to her. They asked her to use her fire use your fire but she was better than them, she was good enough. 

She was good enough. 

She needed to have a more practical haircut. Her hair wasn't perfect, it kept getting in her face, she hated it, she hated it- Then she had chin-length hair, save the two strands in the front. Oh.

It was better at night. She fixed her hair, made it more even. She didn't use her fire.

Using her fire was not a practical decision. Practice katas. Her inner fire was burning her up, she lit fires in her sleep. Azula stayed up later, meditating and pushing it down. Starting fires wouldn’t solve her problems.

She often chose campsites near water, or at least within walking distance of water. She did not start fires. She was at the lake, how did she get to the lake?

This time she heard Mother's disapproving voice whispering in her ears.

She wanted to start a fire. Let it go _LET ME GO_ \- she did not. She did not, she was good enough- why did she let her hair down why where her hands so hot- _let go-_

She smelled ash on her clothes. She had never told anyone but she hated the smell of smoke but she revelled in the fire. She looked around for the flame, there was nothing why wasn’t there anything burning?

The silence in her ears grew to a crescendo.

And

She

Burned.

-

"Mama! Mama! Sing it again!" Azula had been four years old, Zuko was six. They were begging Mother to sing the lullaby she had sung the past few nights. Well, mainly Zuko. He had always known that Mother would do anything for him. Zuko was snuggled up to Mother's side, Azula curled on the other. These were the days when the bed Zuko slept in felt like a great ocean, and they were the days that Azula and Zuko had... loved each other enough to share the leagues of bed that felt small enough when all three of them were there together. It was before her family fell apart. Before her brother died. Before Mother left or died but she still disappeared.

"Okay, my little turtleducklings, I'll sing it one more time." Mother gave in, and both Zuko and Azula cheered, Zuko flapping his hands in delight.

For the first verse, she turned to Azula, swaying her side to side.

" _Flame-torn war-girl  
Her hands went up in smoke  
No fire left to burn  
The morning when she woke!_"

Mother poked Azula's nose on 'woke'. It made Azula laugh. For the second verse, she did the same to Zuko.

" _Flame-torn war-boy  
The ground turned to ash  
Now his bending days  
Are days of the past!_"

Mother had tickled Zuko when the song ended. It never did help them sleep, per se, but it made them happy. One of the few times they could be during a war. One of the few times they could be when living with Father.

Looking back on it, Azula didn't know how she didn't notice the lyrics. Whoever wrote that children's nursery rhyme was deadly wrong. It wasn't a fun song, it was terrifying. Being flame torn was burning from the inside out and waking up empty, never being able to bend your own fire again. Only being able to leech off of other's flames like a parasite. If you were lucky enough to survive afterwards.

Azula didn't want to die.

-

The flames were hot white and that was all she saw before she blacked out. She did not know what happened. She did know what she thought. She thought of her mother, who left her, but could she blame her? She thought of her brother, who Father told her was dead. She thought of Mei and Ty Lee, did they remember her? She hadn’t seen them for years. She realized how they were all gone. She was alone. She was utterly _alone_.

And with that thought, she woke in the most figurative sense. She was still standing, and all she saw was fire. The flames were all over the trees and her hands were on fire. She stopped her fire. It didn’t stop. Her hands were on fire, she lifted them to her face. And with the sickest fascination, she realized that she was becoming flame-torn. It was out of her control, she couldn’t stop _stop **stop!**_ She finally understood what horror was, what fear really was. For a moment she wondered what would happen if she stopped. If her father had a non-bender child and she was not quite a princess of fire anymore. That fantasy scared her more than the fire in her hands did.

She knew that there were only a few ways to stop it. The lessons from the fearful teachers. Only submersing a firebender could stop the horror that was becoming flame-torn. Only drowning could stop the flames.

She dove into the lake, mind clearest it had been in days.

The water was boiling but she held on. Not until she couldn’t. Not until the flames were gone.

She hadn’t often thought of drowning. She knew how to swim well enough but as black spots entered her vision she wondered if drowning was really the worst way to go. 

Because as the water boiled around her and the flames slowly died, she wondered how she could have ever felt so hot yet so very cold at the same time.

No. She had to survive, if not for herself than for Zuko. To avenge him. Vengeance was a hell of a drug, and Azula was an addict.

She breached the surface.

With the last of her strength, she remembered what Uncle Iroh told her about putting out fires. Breathe in, let it come back to you. Let it go back to the world. She let it go back to the world. The blackness at the edges of her vision was more apparent now. It was seeping in and the world was blurry. All she could think was that at least she could be with her brother now.

At least she could finally stop being so _tired_.

-

Azula was almost disappointed to wake up. She looked at her hands. Covered in ash. In a flash, she beat with fear and adrenaline. Was she... did it... was she too late?

Searching within her, something was there. Azula attempted to bend.

A spark, pop, and a strong blue flame was now in her hand.

"Thank Agni." She breathed, putting out the flame. "Okay. Meditation with flames will happen every day." Azula made the mental note to herself. After that frightening experience, she was just thankful that she could still bend her own flames.

Her clothes were slightly damp and the ash that caked her had been sun-dried which made the fabric stiff. She remembered how Zuzu had hated getting wet clothes, he had said it felt bad and he literally couldn't physically stand it.

Azula sighed, when a thought struck her. She was technically a traitor to the Fire Lord (the rightful one, that is). Might as well go all in.

Azula's memory of the last few days was hazy, and unfortunately, she now had to actually _talk_ to people. She peered into her bag. Ah, she still had her male Earth Kingdom clothes, the sleeves were chopped to stand the heat of the Fire Nation. Fortunately, it wasn't horribly cold. Azula put on her clothes. They didn't look... bad. Better than before.

They sighed. Time to _talk_ to _people_. Eugh.

-

It was surprisingly easy to find a village, though the 'village' was much bigger than Azula would have thought. She turned. Maybe a merchant would be able to show her where she was. Ah. She spotted a man pushing a cabbage cart.

"You there!" She called in a gruff-ish voice. He turned.

"Would you like to buy some cabbages-"

"I need a map. Where am I?"

The man was surprised as Azula began ruffling through his supplies. "You're in Gaoling-"

"Gaoling?" Her heart sunk. "In the Southern Earth Kingdom?"

The cabbage merchant's hands flailed as she began searching through his cabbage cart. "Yes! Now can you-" Azula screamed in frustration, pushing over the cabbage cart. "My cabbages!"

"I don't care about your shitty cabbages! Argh!" She stormed away, devastated. She was much too close to Omashu. In her hand was a calendar. She quickly glared at it, searching for a date. It had been almost two weeks since the Siege of the North. "No. Agni-damn-it!" Her plans were set off by at least a month... Azula was lost.

She tilted her head back, facing the sky and Agni's light. "Fuck."

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I know that Ozai gendered Zuko correctly last instalment when talking to Azula but that was for the added flavour of manipulation.
> 
> Bind safely, I mean you specifically the nonbinary or transmasc person reading this.


End file.
